New York's Not my Home
by beetleboo52
Summary: After Derek's death, Meredith took her children and ran, but this time, to a place that no one ever expected her to go, least of all herself. (More details inside). This story is for anyone who can't ever get enough of their Carolyn Shepherd fix. #bringherbackShonda!
1. An Unexpected Arrival

**Warning: Long author's note ahead. Feel free to skip any future author's notes, but this one truly offers clarity.**

 **So….about a year ago I wrote this for the first time, and then I let it sit and re-read it and thought it was absolute trash and vowed never to read it again. I have since read it again…and it wasn't complete trash, I admit. I revised a lot of it, though. Some stuff just plain didn't work. I've spent a long time dreaming about continuing this story. I can't promise that I will update frequently, but I have rediscovered my vision, and I want to finish this almost as bad as you want to read it. Thank you to those who read the original and tuned back in for a revised and continued addition! Your reviews truly make my day! And for those who reviewed long after the original release of this chapter, you truly did make the difference in my decision to continue. You know who you are.**

 **(For those who read originally and don't want to re-read the whole chapter, I would highly encourage reading through this again, because I changed a whole lot.)**

 **Worthy of note, Grey's is horrible at consistency of the timeline, and dates, so I've decided to go pretty loosely cannon in regards to accuracy in that regard. This story is still mostly cannon, though. If I made a major change, there should be an explanation, with the biggest change being discussed in this chapter. More details on that will come in further chapters. If it's not making sense, just ask. There's usually a method to my madness.**

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Carolyn Shepherd awoke suddenly in the night to a soft, yet insistent pounding on her front door. Her eyes were wide with alarm. She sat there for a minute, eyes blinking softly. And there it was again, that same insistent tapping. Carolyn sat up and swiftly exited her bedroom, pausing only to grab the gun Derek had insisted she get from out of the top drawer of her nightstand. She hadn't wanted to get it in the first place, but Derek had been very convincing. Her lips curved slightly upwards at the memory of their conversation.

" _Ma," Derek had started._

" _Derek," she countered._

" _You're getting older and, I just, I worry about you. That's all."_

" _Derek!" Carolyn had been slightly offended. "I'm hardly old. And you know yourself that this neighborhood is-"_

" _I know. You say it's a safe neighborhood. And I believe you, Ma. But after what happened to Dad... We can be sorry later, but there's only one of you. If anything happened to you…" Derek had trailed off there, the mere thought being obviously too much in that moment._

" _Oh, Derek." Carolyn had embraced him in a hug and simultaneously decided that she would embrace the idea._

And embrace it she had. It was only a small handgun, but it had been enough to appease Derek. It was a small price to pay if it meant pleasing her only son. After what he and Amelia had experienced, Carolyn would gladly have given either of them the world if they had requested it. And despite her misgivings, it did make her feel a little bit safer.

Presently, Carolyn was glad to have the small object tucked securely in her palm, not that she planned on using it, but she was at a loss for who in their right mind could be outside her door at midnight. Reaching the landing, she silently cursed herself. The house was older. It was the same one she and Chris had moved into all those years ago. In the years since, he had taken on various projects and added on to parts of the house to make more room as their family expanded. Even with all the work they'd done on the house over the years, she'd never gotten around to getting a peephole installed. They lived a ways out from the city and their house sat at the end of a long driveway. Far away from the road, with little traffic and almost no unexpected visitors, Carolyn had always considered it an unnecessary expense. Derek, and all of the children had been bugging her to splurge for years now. And tonight, she wished she had listened to her children.

In one fluid motion, keeping the pointed gun as steady as possible, Carolyn swung open the door to reveal a slim figure shivering in the slight chill of the April breeze. Meredith looked up and visibly flinched at the sight of the gun in her mother-in-law's hand.

"Meredith!" the older woman exclaimed. "What in God's name are you—" Carolyn began, and then noticed the train of her daughter-in-law's eyes. "Oh! Here, let me just—" Carolyn carefully slid the gun into the small desk stand in the crook of the door and the wall. Meredith visibly relaxed and Carolyn went back to wondering what in the world her daughter-in-law was doing on her doorstep at midnight when she knew full well that she lived on the complete other side of the United States.

"Hi, Carolyn." Meredith offered sadly. Carolyn simply stared into the hollow and broken eyes of her once vibrant daughter-in-law.

 _What had happened to her to steal the life right out of her eyes_? Carolyn wondered.

"Meredith…" Carolyn began quietly. "What are you doing here, dear?"

"I didn't…I didn't…I" Meredith began, her cool and calm façade slowly cracking and breaking before Carolyn's eyes. "Carolyn…" her voice broke. Meredith looked lost as she looked to her mother-in-law for support and managed to choke out, "I didn't know where else to go!" At that, Carolyn watched as the once strong woman she had met six years ago completely fell apart. Carolyn managed to catch her in her arms before she hit the ground, and half carried, half led her over to a large couch in the living room as Meredith sobbed seemingly uncontrollably.

Carolyn just let the woman cry, the front door still widely ajar. Meredith cried without sign of stopping. Carolyn became a human sponge as she soaked up all of the sadness Meredith had been carrying seemingly without any reason. She knew that soon enough, Meredith would tell her where her sadness was coming from. And she wasn't even sure if she wanted to know the answer to that. If it was bad enough that Meredith had come all the way across the country just to see her, it had to be pretty bad. Carolyn was relieved to live in the dark even if it lasted just a little while longer.

Slowly, Meredith's sobs turned into less frequent dull gasps, and the dull gasps eventually lapsed into shaky breaths. Meredith sat up slowly, her face flushed and her eyes wringed with red. Carolyn knew without looking that her shirt was drenched in buckets full of tears and snot, but she didn't care. It was part of her job description as resident mother. Carolyn was an excellent tear-catcher. Long ago she'd realized that even the snot washed out. It was the least she could sacrifice to be of service in those moments whenever they arose. There had been many of those with each of her children after Chris had died. Carolyn always had time to swallow her grief for just long enough to comfort whichever child needed it the most.

Her second child chose that moment to make her grand entrance as Kathleen blasted out of her room, a wild look in her eyes. Her gaze settled on her mother, completely missing the slender figure of Meredith nestled carefully into her. "MA! What in God's name are you doing?! You can't just leave the door wide open all night! Do you WANT us all to get shot up and—" Her eyes finally landed on Meredith. "Oh. I. Well. This is a surprise, Mother." She shot a pointed look at Carolyn who gave her a dirty look in return.

Kathleen had the gall to look indignant. "Meredith is just…" Carolyn began, seemingly at a loss for words. Meredith really hadn't done much in the way of explaining as she'd sobbed in Carolyn's arms.

"I was hoping, if we could, the kids and I…I mean, you've extended the offer before, and I don't know, but, I probably should have called first, but I didn't think it would be a problem, but I don't really mean to intrude, but I just—"

Carolyn cut her babbling daughter-in-law off. "Go on, dear."

"Could we, the kids and I. Could we stay here for a while? I'm not really sure how long yet, but I just can't stay in Seattle. There's too much there. Too many memories. I can't. We can't stay there."

"Oh of course, Meredith. I know that it's been difficult with Derek in D.C. and all. You and the kids are more than welcome to stay here for a little while. Plus, it's not a horribly long drive from here to D.C…" As she spoke, Carolyn began to notice the look on Meredith's face, and in that moment, she knew that something was horribly wrong. "Meredith. What's wrong?" Carolyn asked tentatively.

"Carolyn, I. I don't know how else to say this. And I'm sorry that I have to be the one to tell you, or anyway, I'm just glad I'm telling you in person. Carolyn, Derek is dead. I took him off of life support late last night, early this morning, I'm really not sure anymore. The past 48 hours have just kind of…. I'm not even sure what day it is...I don't even know."

Carolyn felt like she'd been hit by a truck. Which was ironic, considering, but she didn't know that yet.

Her son. He was alive. He was in D.C. He'd just called her this morning from a ferry on the way to catch his flight. He'd sounded happier than he had in months, and she'd been grateful for the brief conversation they'd held. Her baby boy, dead, apparently. Carolyn knew she was in shock, that it would sink in later tonight, but she didn't really want it to. She wanted to continue living in this fantastical world where her son was still alive and everything was perfect and nothing was broken or hurting. But she knew that was hardly realistic. She'd done this before when Chris died. She knew how to move on in a world where she didn't feel like she could move on. Carolyn had done this before, and she knew that she could do it again. Did she want to? Absolutely not. But she knew that whatever pain she was feeling, Meredith's pain exceeded her own. Sure, she was his mother, but she hadn't shared the past eight years of her life completely intertwined with him. She hadn't raised two children side by side with Derek. Meredith had, and she knew that her grief was larger than life right now. Carolyn knew what it felt like to be drowning. She knew what it felt like to feel like there was no way out. And she knew what Meredith did and did not need right now, because she'd been in her shoes. And for the first time in 31 years, Carolyn was glad to know the numbing pain of losing the love of your life, because she knew how to show Meredith the way out, and how to teach her how to live again after knowing such immeasurable loss.

 _Carolyn vividly remembered that fateful phone call. She'd been in the kitchen washing dishes, basking in the peace of mind that came with knowing that her two youngest children were with their father at the store and firmly out of her hair. Then the phone had rung. Carolyn remembered thinking that it was Rosemary from book club, and for one moment, she was tempted not to answer on the grounds that she didn't have enough energy to deal with her right now, but despite her better judgement, she'd picked up._

" _Mrs. Shepherd?" A male voice that definitely did not belong to Rosemary asked her._

" _Yes?"_

" _I'm afraid there's been an accident." Carolyn's first thought had been of her children. They couldn't be hurt! They were too young to know pain. They were far too young to have the police calling on their behalf. And if her children were hurt, then so was Chris, or he'd be calling her. For just a few fleeting moments, Carolyn was more worried about her children than the love of her life. Later, she would wish she could go back to that brief and fleeting moment of innocence. "Your husband is in critical condition en route to the hospital. We have an officer escorting your children to—" Carolyn dropped the landline and dropped to her knees._

" _Ma?" Kathleen called from the other room. "Ma, what's wrong? Ma, are you—" Kathleen trailed off at the sight of the broken look in her mother's once warm brown eyes. She saw the dropped phone on the ground next to her mother and picked it up carefully. "Hello?" she spoke into the mouthpiece._

" _Mrs. Shepherd are you still—"_

" _No, this is her daughter Kathleen… Why, what's wrong? My mother… I think she's in shock. Is it Amy, is it Derek? Please tell me they're okay! Derek's only 13, and Amy's barely 5! They have to be—"_

" _Kathleen." The office cut her off with curt sympathy. "Kathleen, I'm afraid it's about your father. I can't say much over the phone, but you and your mother had better get to the hospital as soon as possible. He's in very critical condition. You'll want to hurry."_

 _Kathleen could see now, why her mother had lost all her senses. But she couldn't. She couldn't break. She had to be strong for her mother. She couldn't lose control. She had to be strong, cool and collected._

 _Carolyn vaguely recalled her second eldest daughter helping her into the car that day. She barely remembered anything about that drive to the hospital. All she knew was that she didn't want anyone or anything to pop her bubble. In her bubble, the world was perfect. Chris was alive, and her world still made sense. If she stepped outside of her bubble, even for just a moment, it was almost like something was sucking up all of her oxygen. Breathing became difficult, and existence was painful. Carolyn knew she needed to be strong for her children. It shouldn't have to be the other way around, but in this moment, the pain that came with the knowledge that the love of her life for twenty full and beautiful years was in trouble was taking up every ounce of her energy. That pain was larger than any responsibility, larger than life itself. And Carolyn didn't know how to change that. She didn't even know if she wanted to._

Presently, the tables were turned. Carolyn was the calm one. She had to be strong for Meredith. But Kathleen was pacing back and forth across the living room, clearly losing it. "Oh. My god. Oh my god. What in the—how in the—how does this—when did this… Meredith?" Kathleen could barely finish even a heavily fragmented sentence and looked over at her sister-in-law for guidance.

"Um," Meredith began.

"Kathleen!" Carolyn scolded. "For God's sake, give her a minute to collect her thoughts!"

"No, it's okay." Meredith acquiesced. "You both deserve some answers.

"Last night, two officers came to my house and took me and the kids to some Podunk hospital out by the Sound. He'd been in an accident, a semi smashed into his car. But before that, he was a hero, they said, um, he saved four people from a previous crash before that. Um," Meredith ran her hand through her hair, thinking of what to say next and how to say it right, "Derek had a brain bleed they didn't catch. By the time they did, it was too late. Late last night, early this morning, I guess, they waited the requisite number of hours. Derek—was declared brain dead. There was nothing anyone could have done. I removed him from life support. It was the hardest choice I have ever had to make."

Carolyn and Kathleen were both shell-shocked by the news. That was the thing about grief, Carolyn realized. It kind of blind-sided you. One moment, you were fine, living your ordinary life in the same way that you had yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, not realizing that in a single moment, everything had changed forever.

"I, I'm sorry I didn't call in advance. I didn't think to give you a warning or a notice or, I really didn't know where I was going until I got here. I packed up the kids and we drove to the airport, and I don't want to go back. Not now. Not after everything that's happened. There's too much history there. Too much of him…Everywhere I go, it's like he's staring at me, watching me, following me. And I just couldn't take it. So I left." Meredith finished.

"You just…left? Without saying goodbye." Kathleen clarified. "Amy's gonna be pissed, if she's not already. Wait. So nobody knows that you're here?" Kathleen asked.

"Well I, I left a note…" Meredith offered up.

"Saying what exactly?" Carolyn asked warily.

"Um, the kids and I are fine. We just need some space right now. Please don't come looking for us."

"Oh god. Amelia's going to lose it." Kathleen declared. "She's going to kill you the next time she sees you, you know?"

"Oh, trust me. I know." Meredith chuckled softly to herself.

"Meredith! What are we supposed to say to Amelia when she calls us, irate, because you've disappeared without a trace!?" Kathleen asked, incredulous. "I mean, not only did Derek just die, but you left and took her niece and nephew with you? You are a dead, dead, woman, Meredith."

"Please don't tell her I'm here," Meredith begged. "Please. I just…I need some time. Amelia's been great. Sisters are great and all, but I'm barely surviving my own grief. I can't keep her afloat, too."

What Kathleen said triggered something in Meredith, though. The kids! She'd left her children out in the car! They'd been sleeping so peacefully on the drive out from the airport that she'd decided not to wake them when she went in the house. It had been a rough couple of days, and she knew they needed the stability that sleep brought. "Oh my god, I am the worst mother of the year." Meredith declared. "I left my children out in the car. I forgot about my children. What if they're—"

"Fine." Carolyn interrupted. "They're fine, Meredith. They're probably a bit sore from sleeping out there for a while, but they'll be fine. Kids are resilient. Mine certainly were." And in that moment, Meredith knew they were talking about more than just leaving children in the car. She offered up a small smile of thanks in return for Carolyn's assurance. "But we should go out and get them. It would be more disorienting for them to wake up alone in the car in the morning than a strange bed." Meredith nodded her agreement, and Kathleen went to go set up one of the downstairs guest bedrooms for them as Carolyn and Meredith went to retrieve the children.

Carefully, Carolyn grabbed Bailey, while Meredith grabbed Zola. Zola stirred a little bit in her mother's arms as she carefully carried the growing four year old in her arms. She couldn't believe how big Zola was getting lately. "Mommy?" Zola asked. "Where are we?"

"We're at Grammy's house, ZoZo. She's going to take good good care of us. Go back to sleep, baby. Mommy loves you."

"I love you, too, Mommy," Zola murmured tiredly. "And Daddy. I love Daddy. I can't wait to see him again." Zola mumbled incoherently as she fell back asleep.

Carolyn and Meredith shared a look, and Meredith knew that even if they didn't talk about it now, they surely would later. After all, Carolyn would need to know just how much or how little the children knew. The last thing they needed was any confusion over differing versions of the same story.

They carried the children into the house and laid them into the full size bed in the guest bedroom. Both were so tired that they hardly stirred. The two mothers tucked the sleeping babes into the big bed, kissed them on their heads and wished them sweet dreams.

Meredith smiled. She'd gotten the bedtime routine from Derek. Who, she realized now, must have gotten it from Carolyn. It was fun getting to see things more full circle. While she was surrounded by her life with Derek in Seattle, here she would be surrounded by Derek's childhood. And for once, it didn't sound painful. This would be one last new adventure that she could embark on with Derek, though he was no longer there to take it with her.

Carefully, Carolyn shut the door to the bedroom. "It's getting late. And whether you'll admit it or not, you're tired, Meredith. You've been up all day worrying about your kids. Let us fuss over all of you now. I'll sleep down here tonight, and you can take my bed."

"I'm okay down here." Meredith said quietly as they reached the living room once again.

"Nonsense. You deserve to sleep in a real bed tonight, not a couch." Carolyn didn't notice the pained expression taking over Meredith's face. It was Kathleen who took notice, and spoke softly to Meredith.

"You're afraid you won't be able to sleep without him. You've slept without him before, but now that he's gone for good..." Kathleen trailed off, and Meredith opened her mouth to ask how she knew, but Kathleen stopped her. "Almost divorced. It's been pretty nasty, but it still hurts, you know. When you're married for as long as we were, it's bound to hurt at least a little bit. We'll get you a blanket for the couch, that way you'll be near the kids, and couches are just big enough for one." Kathleen smiled at her gently. "You're going to be okay. The kids will come through this. Heck, it's been like World War III, and Steve and I haven't torn the kids or each other apart. Yet. Human beings are a surprisingly resilient bunch." Carolyn seemed to take notice, then, that her daughters were having a conversation without her.

"Mom, she doesn't want to sleep in a bed tonight. She's okay on the couch." Carolyn opened her mouth to protest, but Kathleen sihushed her. "We can talk more tomorrow, but I'm so tired, I could fall over right here."

Kathleen left for her bedroom, leaving the mother and daughter-in-law in the living room.

"Carolyn," Meredith began, "Thank you. And I hope this is not an imposition. If it is, we can stay somewhere else. We'll get a hotel, an apartment, something—"

"My dear, it's my deepest honor and privilege to host my son's wife and his children. It's a joy to have you all already." Carolyn offered her daughter-in-law a warm smile. "Now rest. Tomorrow will be a full day with challenges of its own. And you'll need to be well rested in order to rise and meet its demands."

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 **Well, I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it! Read, Review, tell me what you think or if you have any questions up to this point. I will continue to unravel the details of what I've changed in the chapters to come. This story promises to be fun, with fleshed out versions of Carolyn, the Shepherd sisters and favorite characters past and present coming to visit, plus more flashbacks interspersed throughout. Two other things I'm fond of and you can have fun noticing popping up, parallelism between Meredith and Carolyn and irony of established facts of the Shepherd sisters and the stories I've chosen for them to tell based upon those established facts. Stay tuned!**


	2. Puke, Pancakes & Pajamas

**I've had some significant computer issues lately, which has slightly delayed the release of this chapter, but it's here now!**

 **Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! :)**

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Kathleen woke up to the insistent rolling of her stomach. She sighed, as the all too familiar 6am nausea, rushed her out of bed. She bolted for the bathroom attached to the bedroom and retched violently into the toilet. She hadn't eaten very much the night before, so it was mostly dry-heaving. Once she was sure it was all over, Kathleen leaned against the wall and sighed. This was not her idea of the ideal way to begin the morning.

After a few moments spent catching her breath, Kathleen collected herself enough to stand. She looked in the mirror above the sink and began the process of washing the nasty mix of vomit and morning breath out of her mouth. Kathleen ran her hands across her face, dragging her eyelids downward, exaggerating the dark circles that were slowly forming underneath her eyes. She shook her head and spent a moment checking her side view out in the full length mirror. Smiling with relief, she walked out of the bathroom, confident that she was still not visibly showing, for which she was grateful. Never in her life had she imagined that she would be a grown almost divorced woman living in her mother's house trying to hide a pregnancy from the woman who had given birth to her. But such was life. Kathleen knew, though, that after four prior pregnancies, she wouldn't be able to hide this much longer. But at this point, the thought of one extra day while she was trying to pick up the pieces of her life was particularly appealing.

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Meredith was normally a heavy sleeper, but she'd been tossing and turning all night, unable to get comfortable enough to sleep for long. When 6 o'clock rolled around, she'd been laying wide awake since 4 AM, going over the past couple of days, trying to figure out where it all went so wrong. She should have said yes to Derek when he said he wanted to go for another round. She should have forgone her responsibilities and just laid there in bed with him forever. Then none of this would be happening right now. She wouldn't be living a nightmare, and she wouldn't be laying on Carolyn's couch, unable to sleep.

Meredith was pondering all of this over when her well-trained mothers ears picked up on the sound of vomiting coming from the hallway. Her first thought went to her children. They had been fairly healthy throughout their short lives with barely even so much as a cold between the two of them, but there had been an instance with the stomach flu about a year and a half ago. Bailey had been just six months old, which had left Meredith and Derek sleep deprived enough as it was. Zola most have picked up a bug from some kid in daycare or something, because it was the longest night recorded in the history of the Grey-Shepherd household.

 _Zola came into Meredith and Derek's bedroom just after bedtime. Meredith thought that the little girl was procrastinating bedtime again and simply wanted more snuggles. She'd been increasingly harder to get to sleep ever since Bailey was born. Realistically, and because she'd read what seemed like a thousand books on transitioning with the addition of a new baby to a family, Meredith realized that Zola was just craving attention, not that they hadn't given her plenty of her own, but the attention craving just came out at bedtime. This night, however, Zola crept into the bedroom with a sour expression on her face._

" _I don't feel good, Mommy." She'd announced, and then proceeded to upchuck all over the carpet. At the sight of her own vomit, and because of the unpleasant sensation she'd just experienced, Zola started crying, which woke up Bailey. So Meredith went to console her son, and Derek reached to console the little girl. Before he could get to her, though, Zola threw up again, mixing more vomit with a fresh wave of tears streaming down her face._

" _Icky, Daddy!" She cried._

 _Derek waited until he was sure she was done before he scooped her up into his arms, vomit and all. "I know, ZoZo. I know it's icky. I'm sorry you don't feel good, Princess. Why don't we get you all cleaned up, and then Daddy will read you a story?" Zola nodded slightly through her tears at the promise of a story._

 _Derek heard the crying from the baby's room and knew that his wife was having a rough go of it as well. Bailey had been sleeping just fine up until about a week ago. They weren't sure if it was just teething or if he was going through a growth spurt, but he'd been eating more and waking more frequently, increasing the amount of sleep that he and Meredith didn't receive. Derek sighed softly and focused back on the task at hand. Zola was covered in her own vomit, necessitating a quick and hopefully soothing bath. Derek carefully stripped her of her splattered PJ's and gently placed her in the bathtub as it began to fill with warm water. Zola, who usually loved the bath, just sighed tiredly. His poor baby really wasn't feeling good at all. This was her first time being sick, and Derek hated that she was still so little, though he wasn't sure if she or her brother would ever outgrow being his babies. But still. Derek wished that he could be the sick one instead. He would gladly trade to be the vomiting one if it meant his daughter was her normal bubbly self. What he didn't know at the time was that he would later regret wishing sickness upon himself._

 _In the other room, Derek heard the cries slow and lessen and knew that his wife had either soothed Bailey back to sleep or had decided to just go ahead and feed him since he would be up soon anyway._

 _Derek ran warm water over his baby girl and she blinked tiredly up at him. Once she was all cleaned off, he wrapped her in a towel, and stuck her back in her bed where he read her the promised story about a knight and a reluctant princess. Zola fell asleep before Derek was even finished with the first page. Carefully, he closed the book, tucked his daughter in and wished sweet dreams over her._

 _On his way back to clean up the mess in the bedroom, Derek passed the open door to his son's bedroom, which revealed a sleeping Meredith and Bailey who apparently had both fallen fast asleep as Meredith nursed. Derek smiled. He didn't mind that he was the one paying the cleanup dues this time. Meredith was doing her duty, and he and Meredith tended to trade off on responsibilities, anyway. He was more than happy to be the one cleaning up this mess, literally._

 _A few minutes after finally getting the vomit and the smell cleaned out of the carpet with some very strong smelling cleaner, Derek heard the tell-tale sounds of puking coming from his daughter's bedroom. Sighing, he retraced his steps and went to console his daughter, who was far less tearful this time._

" _Mess, Daddy." She declared._

" _Yes, baby. You made a mess."_

" _I sorry." Zola's lip quivered ever so slightly._

" _It's okay, baby. I know you didn't mean to." Derek sighed. She'd gotten the sheets dirty this time. He carefully picked up his daughter from the bed and set her on the floor while he stripped her bed of the dirty sheets. Remarkably, she was still clean._

 _A little while later, Zola's sheets freshly changed, Derek crouched beside his daughter's bed, a big empty bowl in hand. "ZoZo, I know you've been sick a couple of times tonight, and you might get sick a little bit more. If you feel like you're going to get sick again, I need you to just lean over the bowl like this." Derek demonstrated placing his head above the bowl's opening to show Zola how to make sure the vomit got in the bowl and not on anything else._

" _Okay, Daddy. I do."_

" _Okay, Zola. Show Daddy what you do if you feel sick again." The little girl leaned over the bowl, just like Derek had showed her. "Good, Zola. Now Daddy's going to go check on Mommy. If you do get sick again, just come tell Daddy or Mommy, okay?"_

" _Okay, Daddy!"_

 _Derek smiled. "Night night, Zo. I love you, Princess."_

" _I lobe you, Daddy." Zola murmured sleepily, already falling asleep, the nights events already appearing to be too much for her._

 _Derek went to go back to the bedroom to finally try to get some sleep, when he found Bailey placed in his crib and Meredith nowhere in sight. As he got closer to the bedroom, he heard puking sounds coming from the toilet in the master bathroom._

" _Aw, Mer…" He sighed, as he crouched down behind her, rubbing her back and helping her to hold her hair back. When she was done, Meredith leaned back into him with exhaustion. "Zola threw up again," he quietly stated._

" _It's going to be a long night, isn't it?" Meredith sighed._

 _And it was. Meredith and Zola had each been up all night, puking on the hour, while Bailey had been up to feed every two or three hours. In the morning, the vomiting slowly subsided, and the tables turned with Derek falling ill. In the end, Meredith had taken that opportunity to have a family sick day full of snuggles and television in the bedroom._

Meredith smiled lightly at the memory, but her focus quickly turned back to the loud vomiting occurring behind one of the closed doors down the hall. She hoped it wasn't one of her children. By now, Zola was a pro puker. Bailey, however was another story. He'd felt warm yesterday, but she'd just assumed it was a little bug. She really hoped he hadn't come down with something. The last thing they needed right now was to have a sick Bailey on top of everything else that was going on. Meredith had a lot on her plate already for today.

Meredith snuck out of her blanketed couch cocoon and crept down the hall, pausing at the space of wall between Kathleen's bedroom and the one her children were sleeping in. Finally, she was able to pinpoint the sound of running water to Kathleen's room. Meredith sighed with relief. She was concerned about Kathleen, but more than relieved that her children were not the ill ones.

The running water stopped, and Meredith had her hand poised, just ready to knock, when a few moments later, the door opened, and Kathleen popped out, startling Meredith.

"Ahh!" they yelped in unison.

"What are you—? You should still be sleeping. Did I wake you? Oh, I woke you, didn't I? I am so sorry, I didn't mean to be so loud, it's—"

Meredith cut her sister-in-law off, chuckling. "No, you didn't wake me. I've been up since 4. Couldn't sleep. Are you sure you're okay?" Meredith asked. "You look a little pale."

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"You're sure?" Meredith looked skeptical.

"No, yeah. Don't worry about me. You know what, though. I am RAVENOUS. Are you hungry? I'm going to make pancakes. Do you want some?"

"I, um. Yeah, sure. Pancakes sound great!" Meredith chuckled. She didn't have a good history of being great with sisters, but this whole family thing seemed to be going a lot better than Meredith had expected it to. Meredith wasn't exactly sure what she believed when it came to religion or the possibility of heaven or an afterlife, but she was pretty positive she could feel Derek smiling on her with warmth. She knew that she had made the right call to come to Carolyn's.

A few moments later, pancakes well under way and coffee firmly in hand, Meredith turned to Kathleen and finally asked the question she'd been wondering since Kathleen had stormed her way into the living room the previous night. "So… I take it you don't live here normally? How long have you been living at…" Meredith paused. She wasn't quite sure what to call Carolyn. Sure she was her husband's mother, but Derek was dead, and she and Carolyn hadn't spent a whole lot of time together before that. Was she Ma, was she Carolyn, was she Mom? It wasn't a big secret that Meredith hadn't had great experience with mothers before. Not boyfriend's mothers, not best friend's mothers, not even her own. Meredith pondered for a moment longer and finally decided on the answer that would suit their newfound relationship best. "Mom's? How long have you been staying at Mom's?" Meredith asked again, firmly decided on the appropriate title for the woman who had generously opened her home for her little family.

Kathleen smiled lightly, sensing what a big step Meredith had just taken. She might not have known much about the woman, but from the way she was treading so lightly, Kathleen knew it didn't take a psychiatrist to know that she had Mommy issues, though it did help that she was one. "A few weeks now? Three or four I think. Steve and I, that's my husband. We're really going through it. I think it started when Haddie moved out of the house, or maybe it..maybe it started happening before that. I'm really not sure anymore but I—he—it wouldn't take a genius to know that he stopped loving me. And I—I really don't know how I feel anymore. I think I still love him, which doesn't make any sense, but—Anyway, he kicked me out of the house. Said he bought it with his money, which definitely wasn't true. Well, I mean he bought it, but we all know it's the money I bring in that's kept us there. But I wasn't going to fight it and call too much attention to the whole ordeal. The last thing I want is to traumatize the kids further. They're all so stable, and they have their own lives, and it's all just a—one big colossal mess. And I'm sorry. You asked a simple question that deserved a simple answer and I vomited all over you."

"It's fine, Kathleen." Meredith smiled. "I get it. I do. Derek hadn't stopped loving me, but we'd been fighting for nearly the past year." Meredith gave her a sad look. "I mean, we're not anymore, clearly. We made up. We'd finally gotten to a good place, but I guess that's just life for you. It's full of so many unexpected "trucks" out of nowhere.

"So thank you, I—for your sharing. It connects us a little bit more, I think. I—I'm ashamed to say that I don't know all that much about Derek's family. Family was, is…difficult for me. My mother wasn't all that warm, and my father left. I was an only child, or I thought I was, but I was raised as one. It's a long story. So, sisters? Big families? They're an adjustment. There are only four of you Shepherd sisters, right?" She laughed nervously.

"Yeah. There's Amy. And I heard about your encounter with Nancy years ago. She's really sorry about that for the record." Meredith smiled a little bit about that. She'd been a bit nervous about meeting Nancy again. "And then there's Liz, who you met a few years ago. So I guess the only Shepherd sister you hadn't met was me. So, hi. I'm Kathleen Shepherd, but you can call me Kath, Kathleen, Kathy, whatever you want, I'm not too picky." Meredith laughed.

"Nice to meet you, Kathleen." Meredith extended her hand in a warm gesture.

Kathleen shook, and then sniffed tentatively. "I think the pancakes are—" she was interrupted by the rolling of her stomach. "Oh god." She mumbled. "Excuse me." She made her second dash for the bathroom of that morning.

Meredith was left sitting at the kitchen table, a horrified expression on her face. "What do I do with them?!" She called after the departing Kathleen, who could only manage to shake her head, as she quickly shut the door to the bathroom down the hall from the kitchen. Meredith stood up, a scared expression on he face. Her worst fear had already been realized, though. The pancakes were already burning, and Kathleen was throwing her guts up in the bathroom. She couldn't possibly ruin the pancakes any further. If anything, she could only save them from further death. She was a doctor. That was what she did for a living. She saved lives. Saving burning pancakes couldn't possibly be that different.

Meredith grabbed the spatula that was laying on the counter next to the skillet. She managed to partially flip one pancake and then carefully corrected it so it looked at least a little better. The next pancake flipped more easily than the first, and then another and another and finally she reached the last one on the rectangular skillet. _I did it!_ She thought. _I actually cooked! Derek would be proud, he would be impressed. But Derek was dead, she remembered. She would be proud enough for the both of them she decided._

Kathleen emerged from the bathroom, finally. She was sweaty, pale and a little shaky. Meredith had set the pancakes on a plate and taken the liberty of rooting around in the fridge. She'd found some bacon and stuck it in the microwave. It was almost done cooking.

"Oh, god. Is that bacon?" Kathleen made a face, and looked like she might turn around and head for the bathroom again.

"No. I'll toss it out." Meredith said quickly.

"Meredith, it's good bacon, you don't have to—" Kathleen gagged.

"Yes, I do. It's making you even more sick." Meredith reached quickly for the offending bacon, bagged it and went to toss it in a trashcan far away from the kitchen. She settled for placing it just outside the front door. She'd deal with it later. Meredith came back into the kitchen to find Kathleen, head down on the table, still looking rather pale.

"Kathleen, what is going on with you? And don't say nothing. I know for a fact that this is at least the second time you've thrown up this morning! We're sisters, now. You can't lie to me. I'll see right through it."

Kathleen sighed. Even her own sisters didn't even know about the secret she had been keeping. But Kathleen knew that Meredith was right about at least one thing. She was her sister now, too. "I'm pregnant." She finally admitted in a hushed whisper. "I'm almost divorced and living with my mother again. I'm 49 years old, my youngest child is 19, and I'm pregnant. Steve doesn't know yet. I don't know what he'd do if he did."

Meredith took a deep and steadying breath. She knew she was going through a lot, but then so was Kathleen, apparently. "Wow, that's…"

"A lot? Yeah. Trust me, I know. None of the kids know about Steve and I. Not yet anyway, and you're the only one who knows about this pregnancy besides Nancy. And the only reason she's even my OB is because of how much higher risk this becomes with my age, and as much as I give her a hard time, she is good at what she does. I didn't even think this was possible. Clearly. Steve and I were working through things. We were going to counseling, we were even having date nights again. That must have been when it happened. The last good night we had was about two or three months ago. And now here we are. What a freakin' miracle." Kathleen muttered.

Meredith smiled. She knew how that went. She and Derek had tried so hard, and just when they had stopped, Bailey had come along and surprised them. He'd been a very welcome surprise, though. Meredith couldn't even imagine being separated from your husband and having to go through an entire pregnancy on your own. She'd been so lucky with how well Derek had treated and pampered her. She'd loved and milked every second of it.

"Do you think you feel up to eating now?"

Kathleen nodded. "The nausea usually subsides within a few minutes, but it feels miserable in the moment. I didn't get bad nausea with the other four, but I guess my little miracle had other plans, didn't you, little one?" Kathleen rubbed her stomach lovingly.

"How old are your other children?" Meredith asked.

"25, 23, 21 and the youngest just turned 19. She left for college this year, and I thought we were finally home free, but I guess not now."

"Oh, wow."

Kathleen nodded as she dug into her pancakes. "They're not too bad. Just a little crispy. But crispy's good."

"That's good! Zola's may be young, but she herself would tell you how bad my cooking is."

"Come on!" Nancy protested. "I'm sure you're better than you give yourself credit for. Besides, how hard is it to mess a pancake up?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised." Meredith protested.

* * *

Zola woke up in a strange bed. She looked over and saw Bailey curled up next to her. Slowly, she blinked her eyes and began to adjust to her surroundings. The sun wasn't quite up yet, but her mother said she was good at _"rising before the sun even did."_ She was always telling her how she wasn't supposed to do that if Mommy and Daddy weren't working.

" _The sun is there to tell us when to get up in the morning, ZoZo"_ she would say. But where was her mother? And where were they? She was relieved to know that Bailey was next to her, but this bed was not at all familiar. Sometimes when Daddy was gone and she was having nightmares, Aunt Amy would let her climb in bed with her, but this wasn't Aunt Amy's bed.

Zola rolled out of the big bed and padded over to the door. She creaked it open and smelled the scent of burnt. She sighed gently. Her mother must have been cooking something. She may have been only four and a half, but Zola was all too familiar with the distinct odor of her mother's cooking. She followed her nose and found the kitchen easily. The way to the kitchen hadn't been familiar either. If Zola had ever been here before, it would have been when she was too little to remember anything. It was likely, but Zola was fairly certain that she had never been here before. There were pictures all over the walls. Some of them looked like Aunt Amy, and in a few of them, there was a nice looking women with short grayish white hair. Zola liked her already.

Before entering, she paused. She heard her mother's voice, talking lightly.

"Kathleen, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell them. How do I tell them? How do I—" her mother's voice sounded so sad. Zola had never heard her like that before.

"Here's what I would tell one of my patients in your shoes, Meredith. You tell them the truth in a way that they can understand it. If you tell them anything else, they'll never forgive you." Zola didn't recognize that voice. It sounded strangely familiar, leaving Zola confused.

Zola entered the kitchen, then. The two women stopped talking abruptly. Zola was used to that. She saw her mother first, and hurried over to her, looking pointedly up at her. Her mother sighed, and lifted her up and onto her lap, groaning slightly. Zola found herself looking the woman with the strangely familiar voice straight in the eyes. "Say Hello, Zola." Meredith prodded.

"I'm hungry, Mommy." She said instead. "Did you burn the pancakes again?"

"Yes, I did burn some pancakes. But try them! They still taste pretty good, love bug." Zola took a bite and discovered that her mother was mostly right, and she was so hungry that she hardly cared about the slight burntness. She picked a syrupless pancake up with her fingers and began munching on it. "Don't be rude, Zo. Say hello to your Aunt Kathy."

"I don't have an Aunt Kathy." Zola said with her mouth full of pancake. She swallowed and continued. "I have an Aunt Maggie, and an Aunt Amy, and an Aunt Lexie, but she's dead."

Meredith held back a chuckle at her daughter's bluntness, and offered Kathleen an apologetic look. "I know you've never met Aunt Kathy before, but she's one of Daddy's older sisters."

"But Daddy's old. How can Daddy have an older sister?" She looked at Kathleen, mouth agape. "You must be super old if you're older than Daddy."

Meredith's face sprouted shades of red she'd never worn before. "Daddy is old, but it's kind of like you and Bailey, baby. Imagine if you were 40. That's pretty old, right?" Meredith tried not to think about how she was almost 40. "Bailey would be around 37, my age. So Bailey would be pretty old, but you would be older."

"Oh. But you're not old, Mommy." Zola said.

"Thank you, Zola." Meredith smiled.

"So Daddy's old, but Aunt Kathy is older? So she's older than old?" Zola questioned.

Kathleen was trying not to die of her own laughter at this point. She wasn't at all offended. It was hilarious how complex it was for the young girl to try to comprehend the relationship between her and Derek. "Exactly, Zola! I'm older than old." Meredith looked mortified, but Kathleen shot her a mollifying expression, letting her know it was more than okay.

"Hmm. Okay." Zola accepted that. "So you're my Aunt Kathy like Aunt Amy is my Aunt Amy?"

"Mmmhmm." Kathleen agreed.

"Okay. I'm Zola."

"Nice to meet you, Zola. You're very pretty."

"I know." The young girl said. Both women laughed profusely at the not at all shy response from her. "Mommy?" Zola began.

"Yes, ZoZo?"

"How come you and Daddy keep finding more Aunts for me and Bailey? How many more Aunts do I have?" She wriggled with nervous energy on her mother's lap.

Startled by her daughter's bluntness for the second time that day, Meredith thought about it for a second. "Well, there's your Aunt Nancy and Aunt Lizzie, and you just met Aunt Kathy, and you already know Aunt Amy and Aunt Maggie." Meredith paused to think about her complex relationship with Molly. They'd never really talked, but she was her sister none the less. And she couldn't bring herself to lie to her daughter, not right now at least. "So you have two Aunt's you're going to meet soon, and one that Mommy doesn't talk to very much, so it might be a while until you meet her." Kathleen gave Meredith a curious look, but Meredith ignored her.

"So which Aunts will I meet soon?"

"Aunt Nancy and Aunt Lizzie."

"When will I meet them, Mommy?"

"Soon, love bug. Soon." She patted her head and held her daughter close, more for her own comfort than for her daughter's.

"Where are we, Mommy?"

At that moment, Carolyn made an appearance in the doorway of the kitchen, holding a sleepy looking Bailey and answered the question for Meredith. "You're at Gramma's house, Zola."

Zola turned to see who the new voice was coming from. It was the nice looking woman with the grayish white hair. She liked her smile even more in person. She looked like someone she knew, but she couldn't figure out who. "Who's that, Mommy?" She whispered loudly.

"This is your Gramma, Zo." Meredith was relieved to know what she assumed most of the grandchildren likely called Carolyn.

"What's a Gramma?" Zola looked sorely confused, and Meredith couldn't blame her. Regretfully, she and Derek hadn't taken enough care to involve Carolyn in hers or Bailey's lives. The timing had just never been right, from new parenting, to the plane crash, to pregnancy, to a rough birth, to running a hospital to fighting and marital explosiveness.

She knew Carolyn wanted to get to know her grandchildren, but on Derek and Meredith's terms. So Carolyn had the growing family space, likely much more than she had wanted to.

Meredith knew the fact that Zola had to ask what a Gramma was was her own fault. With her mother dead, Derek's mother in New York, and the only real exposure that Zola got to kids her own age in the hospital daycare, it was entirely understandable, but regrettable regardless. "A Gramma is Daddy or Mommy's Mommy."

"Oh." Zola nodded acceptingly. "That's you and Daddy's Mommy?" Meredith looked horrified for a moment.

"No, baby. That's just Daddy's Mommy."

"Where's your Mommy?"

"She died before you were born, Zola."

"Kinda like Aunt Lexie?"

"Almost like Aunt Lexie, but my Mommy died a long time before you were born and before you were mine and Daddy's." Meredith tickled her growing daughter's middle, and Zola smiled giddily.

"Oh. Okay. Hi Gramma. Hi Bails!" Zola waved to Carolyn and her little brother, who yawned tiredly in response. "Mommy made pancakes. And they're only a little bit burnt." She announced.

"Oh, you didn't have to make breakfast, Meredith!" Carolyn exclaimed.

Meredith chuckled. "I didn't make them, I only managed to burn them."

"You didn't burn them, Meredith!" Kathleen cried out in her defense. "I burned them, and you managed to save them from further disaster."

Carolyn took a bite of one. "Of which we're all extremely grateful." Her mother-in-law said. Bailey looked up, interested, as the pancake came up close to his face. Carolyn smiled. "Do you want some pancakes, Bailey?" He nodded shyly. She set him down in a high chair in the corner she'd been meant to throw out ages ago. She was relieved her hoarding was coming in handy now.

Meredith set some pancakes onto the tray of her son's newly acquired high chair, and he began happily scooping them into his mouth, hardly pausing to chew. "Careful, Bailey." Meredith reprimanded. He looked up at her, and slowed slightly.

"Do you want some juice, Bailey?" Carolyn asked. Bailey nodded emphatically.

"Use your words, Bailey." His mother prodded him.

"Pwease?" He begged.

Carolyn smiled. Utterly swayed by the innocence of her youngest grandchild, she reached into the fridge and poured some juice into a spare sippy cup. "I heard you all down here talking and I went in to check on him. He was just lying there in the bed, and he was awake, so I thought I would change his diaper. I hope you don't mind." Carolyn explained how she found her way into the kitchen with Bailey in tow.

"No, thank you, Carolyn. Poor boy could sit there in his wet diaper all day and wouldn't make so much as a sound. He's going to be impossible to potty train. I swear he prefers his diaper wet over dry." Carolyn laughed, and Kathleen joined in. Meredith began belly laughing as well, and soon, all three women were hysterical, while the two children looked at them, bemused.

"What are you all doing up so early?" Carolyn asked with more than a touch of curiosity. She had her own suspicions about her daughter's behavior as of late.

Kathleen looked like a dear caught in headlights, but Meredith came to her rescue. "I couldn't sleep. I've been up since 4am, and I can't cook. So Kathleen was kind enough to make pancakes. And this little bug is SUCH an early riser! Aren't you, little miss?" Meredith squeezed her daughter's cheeks gently and Zola giggled.

Carolyn nodded, but she wasn't completely convinced she was being told the whole truth. She let it go for the time being. "What are your plans for today, Meredith?" She gently prodded her daughter-in-law.

Meredith's face darkened drastically and she steeled herself for all that she knew she had to do today. "I have some phone calls to make."

* * *

 **Sorry for the slightly ominous cliff-hanger, but I genuinely and sadistically enjoyed writing that. Teehee! I know that some of your biggest** **unanswered questions were not necessarily answered in this chapter, but don't worry. Hang in there! Answers are coming soon, along with even more questions. ;) I think I like keeping my chapters around what they have been at, but if I get particularly inspired, this current average may, and likely will increase, depending on where the chapter needs to go to move the story along.**

 **Thank you so much for all of your love and continued support. I so appreciate reading your reviews and hearing what you all are thinking about this story and about my writing in general. I'm just beginning to grow and develop in this, though I have been so passionate for so long. This fiction has been and will continue to be my little love project. I love getting to further develop and explore the world of the Shepherds and the realm of my writing in the process. Thank you for reading, and feel free to shoot a review down below! I'm trying to get better at responding to each of you individually, but know that I have been so thankful for every kind word you've shared.**


	3. An Expected Unexpected Arrival

**I know, I know! It's been forever since I've updated! Don't yell at me please... ;)**

 **Huge shout out to Guest/MerDer2015, as your prodding sort of made this chapter happen.**

 **I didn't really know where to go from the last chapter. I knew what I wanted to touch on, but I didn't quite know how to begin. I do have some material that was written that will show up in later chapters, but it just didn't fit in here. This chapter thoroughly surprised me, and I really enjoyed writing this update :)**

 **Also, updates have been slowly getting longer each time, and I'm not really mad about it.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Carolyn watched from the kitchen as Meredith sat listlessly in the living room watching her children play. Carolyn knew that look. Gone was the chirpy Meredith from breakfast that morning. Sure, she'd burnt pancakes and made nice with Kathleen, but Carolyn knew there was a lot of inner darkness Meredith would still have to deal with, not all of it relating directly to her son's death. It would take more than pancakes for the grief Carolyn knew was coming. Carolyn hoped her daughter-in-law was nothing like her, that she would handle her grief much better than she had, but if she was right, Meredith's journey was going to be much worse than hers had ever been.

"Bailey!" Zola crowed from the living room. "You can't have that block! The RED block is Mine, Bails! The blue block is yours!"

Bailey picked up on a single word. "Mine!" He snatched the block away and held it close to his chest.

"Mommy!" Zola whined. "Tell Bailey to give me back my block. He took it from me, and that's not fair!"

Carolyn was on high alert now, fully ready to intervene and solve the conflict, but she waited to see if and how Meredith would choose to act.

Sighing deeply, Meredith sat up and spoke for the first time in hours. "I know it's not fair, Zo, but remember how—" She paused, almost choking on her words, "Daddy… and I are always telling you that Bailey is younger than you, and sometimes it's going to feel like he just gets his way? And you're right. It's not fair. He shouldn't be able to do that. But look, baby. There's a loooot of red blocks. Why don't you play with those for now? Soon Bailey will get bored with your block, and then you can play with it."

Carolyn smiled, her third cup of coffee for that day in hand.

"She's so good with them," Kathleen remarked as Zola agreed to step down, and in moments, the conflict over block colors was over, and Zola and Bailey were once again playing happily. Without thinking about it, Kathleen's hand found its way to her stomach, and she massaged it gently, a cup of hot tea firmly in her other hand.

"I should hope so. She is their mother." Carolyn chuckled.

"I know, it's just that I've been…"

"Thinking about it more lately? Once again, I should hope so, dear. In what, a few months? You'll be doing a lot more than thinking about it." Carolyn smiled with great pleasure at the thought of another grandchild.

Kathleen's mouth dropped open in disbelief.

"What, you didn't think you could hide something this big from your mother, did you? You are living under my roof again. And since when have you ever drank tea, Kathleen? Ginger tea, too? That's what really gave you away, dear." Carolyn was happy to finally have confirmed her earlier suspicions. "My nausea was the worst with Amelia."

"Great…" Kathleen moaned into her cup. "That's just great."

Carolyn rolled her eyes at the obvious sarcasm dripping from her daughter's latest remark and ignored her. "How far along are you? You have seen an OB, right?"

"Relax, Ma. Nancy's my OB this time, and based on her calculations and mine, I'm about ten weeks along." Kathleen smiled. Her pregnancy had felt real ever since the nausea had started in full force, and telling Meredith was one thing, but telling her mother—that was everything.

"Ten weeks! Kathleen, you've known for how many weeks and not told me?! And you've been living here for the past," Carolyn started doing math in her head, counting on her fingers.

"Calm down, Ma. I've known for sure for two weeks. I've suspected for three or four, and Nancy finally talked me into her office. I'd hoped it was menopause. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but good grief! Steve and I were done years ago."

"Does Steve know?"

"No. Absolutely not. And I'd like to keep it that way." Carolyn pursed her lips disapprovingly. "I am older, so the risk factors are a lot higher. I didn't really want anyone finding out yet. Not for another few weeks at least. Meredith knows, but that's only because she caught me puking my guts out. Twice."

"Well, regardless, I am excited for you, Dear."

"Thanks, Ma. I am too, I guess." Mother moved to embrace daughter as Kathleen rubbed her stomach once again where her son or daughter was currently residing.

Meredith was still lifelessly watching her children play, the conversation in the kitchen completely over her head. She was in her own little world.

" _I want more."_

 _She'd raised her eyebrows scrupulously. He was out of his mind. All this brain mapping had caused him to lose his._

" _Of this, of us. I want to have more. Let's have more."_

 _She had laughed, then. That was it. He was playing a funny joke on her. In a few moments he would burst out laughing, and she would laugh right along with him._

" _I mean it." That look in his eyes. He wasn't joking!_

 _Her face scrunched up. He'd always said he loved the way her face did that. The way it scrunched up in disbelief. "You're crazy!"_

" _That's not a no..."_

" _Another baby?" She had to make sure they were on the same page. Maybe they were talking about more time together, or with the kids, or in surgery. Surely kids weren't on the table of discussion. Were they? "I—Seriously?"_

" _I'm completely serious." The look in his eyes said it, too. His eyes were doing the McDreamy sparkle, but there was something more to it, something more concrete._

 _She'd said something back, and he'd climbed on top of her. The rest was blurry. It wasn't their best, but it had been followed by some steamy stuff in the shower._

That, and that moment at the door. That was her last memory of him. He'd asked her to stay and wait for him. But he didn't know, and she didn't know, and now they were here. Derek was here. And Derek was in Seattle, and Derek was dead. But then there he was, on the mantle in a band uniform, and looking scrawny posing with a soccer ball. He couldn't have been more than 13 or 14 in either picture. She couldn't help but think of Bailey, then. Would he grow up to be more like his mother or his father? She wasn't sure which she hoped for more.

He was her last biological piece of him, and she was going to treasure every little moment. Zola was theirs, but Bailey was his. Sure, he looked more like her, but in the right moments, she knew her son had the McDreamy eyes. He was going to be quite the heartbreaker. His father definitely had been.

She'd spent the past near decade of her life deeply in love with him. And now, now he was breaking her heart. This really was the worst breakup ever.

Presently, a sound drew her out of her reverie. Her phone. It had started ringing just after 11am, and it had yet to stop. They'd called yesterday, too. They all had. It had started slow, Alex, Alex, Maggie, Alex. Bailey, Maggie, Webber, Bailey. Owen, Maggie, Callie, Arizona, Maggie, April, Jackson, Maggie. Even Jo had called once. When Cristina had started calling her, she knew it was for real. The troops had been called in, they were serious, and they wanted her home. Meredith had to have at least 30 or more voicemails lined up. She knew her inbox would fill up soon. She might even invest in a new phone if she knew what was good for her. But she couldn't get rid of this phone. Not with that precious last voicemail from Derek at the bottom of the barrage of voicemails clogging up space. That was the most important one of all, and Meredith couldn't count how many times she had already listened to it in the past two days. On the plane, Meredith had cuddled her children and listened to it like a crazed addict.

Meredith laughed to herself, almost out loud. There was one person who had yet to call her. Amelia. She knew it was purposeful and intentional. She knew Amelia probably saw this as a personal attack, but it was far from that. Meredith knew that this was the only way to guarantee her own survival and sanity. This…whatever this was, madness, surrounded by Derek and his family, this was the only way for her to keep on living. And if anything happened to her, she was surrounded by Shepherds.

Meredith heard the ding that meant a new voicemail had been left. She didn't have the number saved. Tentatively lifting the phone to her ear, she listened to the voicemail.

"Hi, this is Susan calling from Dillard Medical Center!" The voice on the other line chirped brightly. Meredith took a sharp intake of breath. She had been expecting this, but by no means was she prepared for it. "We have some matters that need to be discussed and some arrangements we need you to make. It is urgent that you call us back within the next day or so. You can give us a call at…" Meredith tuned the perky woman out. She'd heard all she needed to hear. The phone dropped from her grasp, landing clumsily on the couch.

"Look, Mama! Look what I made!" Zola thrust her tower of blocks into her range of sight.

"Mmmhmm, baby, it's beautiful." She said, without really looking at it. She could hardly focus on anything at this point. Luckily, that was satisfaction enough for Zola.

Meredith was a medical professional. She knew how these things worked. She knew this was coming, but still, it hit her like a punch in the gut. She and Derek had talked briefly about the whole death and dying thing once, but that conversation had done nothing to prepare her for the decisions she was going to have to make now.

 _Meredith had been lying in bed, avoiding sleep. Ever since the crash, sleep was a commodity that had not come easily, and when it did, she was plagued by nightmares, all of them about Lexie._

 _Derek shifted in his sleep, and Meredith knew he was having a nightmare. She knew from experience, that it was probably about Mark. She knew how much guilt he felt for the painful choice to respect Mark's last wishes and withdraw end of life care._

" _NO!" Derek screamed out, as he shot straight up in bed, panting heavily._

 _Meredith was there in an instant, rubbing her hand along his back. "Shh, shh." She whispered. "It's okay. You're okay. I'm here."_

 _Derek calmed considerably at his wife's gentle touch and soothing words. After a few moments, he finally spoke. "I never want you feeling like that, Mer. Never. Every night, I just feel so helpless. There's nothing I can say or do. He just keeps dying, again and again."_

" _And I'm not going to, Der. You're going to die, when you're 110 in my arms. I'll probably be full of Alzheimer's at that point, and I won't even know what my own name is."_

" _But you can't know that, Meredith!" He exclaimed, frustrated. "Planes fall out of the sky, people drown, gunmen shoot up hospitals. If anything happens to me, I just need to know you'll be alright."_

" _Der, I'm fine. You're fine. No one's losing anyone, no one's dying. I'm right here, Der. Look at me. I'm right here."_

" _I am looking at you, Mer. I can't stop looking at you. When I look at you, all I see is Bean," He rubbed her stomach that protruded out almost imperceptibly. No one else would have been able to notice a difference, but he did. "And Zola and how they need so much more than empty promises. What happens to them if something happens to me, to us? Where do they go?"_

" _I don't know, Derek! I know Lexie would have taken Zola without a second thought, but now…" She trailed off, fat tears in her eyes._

" _If anything happens to me, I want you to burn me up." He said abruptly._

" _What?!" Meredith started laughing through her tears, more than bewildered._

" _Yeah, just burn me up and throw me off the ferry."_

" _You want me to what?"_

" _You know, cremate me and scatter my ashes off the back of the #7. That's my favorite ferry, you know." He was doing that McDreamy thing with his eyes again._

" _You're crazy. And stop—Stop doing that—that thing with your eyes!"_

" _What thing?" His eyes sparkled harder and more mischievously._

" _You know, the McDreamy thing! Though you're really being a McAss right now"_

" _I'm serious, Mer. It's a proven fact that the #7 ferry just happens to be the best ferry."_

" _Derek. I am so not having this conversation with you right now. It's like two in the morning! How many times do I have to tell you that all ferries in a given city are just the same as every other ferry in that city?"_

" _But the #7," Derek cut in, "Is—"_

" _Special. I know. You keep saying that, Der, but you can't prove it!"_

" _It only runs early in the morning and late at night, and sometimes, when the light is just right," Derek gestured out with his good hand for dramatic emphasis, "everything else fades away and I can pretend Seattle is the very edge of the world. I have a thing for ferry boats, you know."_

" _I know." She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "It's one of the reasons I love you."_

" _So, if I stopped loving ferry boats…."_

" _I might just stop loving you." This time, Meredith's eyes twinkled mischievously._

" _There! Is that that thing you're always saying I'm doing with my eyes?"_

" _I don't know what you're talking about." Meredith claimed, eyes still sparkling._

" _Mer, in all seriousness, though..."_

" _I know." She sighed and looked at him. "I don't want to be a vegetable."_

" _I—Mer! We're supposed to be being serious, now."_

" _I am serious, Derek. I don't want to be a vegetable. I don't want Zola to be 16 years old sitting by Mommy's bed telling me about her day when I'm freakin' gorked inside."_

" _Mer—"_

" _No, Derek. Let me finish. I don't want to be a vegetable, and I'm not getting Alzheimer's—because you're going to cure it." She pecked him on the cheek, and her husband smiled broadly._

" _Oh, I am, am I?"_

" _You promised."_

" _I did?"_

" _Mmhmm." She murmured sleepily as he intertwined his hands into her hair and climbed on top of her, exploring her body, effectively ending the conversation, for which she was grateful._

Kathleen interrupted her thoughts abruptly. "Zola, Bailey, did you know Gramma has a swing set out in the backyard?" Meredith smiled as her daughter's mouth dropped in absolute disbelief.

"Really!" Zola exclaimed.

There was nothing her daughter loved more in the world than to swing, and anywhere Zola went, Bailey was so there. Zola ran after her Aunt Kathy, and Bailey toddled after them.

"I thought we could use a little girl time," Carolyn said, settling on the couch, passing Meredith a mug of something warm and steaming. She sniffed and caught a whiff of something she didn't quite recognize. "Ginseng," her mother-in-law nodded towards the mug. "It's supposed to give you energy, take away stress and help you relax."

"I guess I could really use all of that right about now." Meredith smiled, taking a large sip. She recoiled as she burnt the tip of her tongue.

"It's hot." Carolyn said, laughing lightly.

"Oh, is it?" Meredith joked, setting her tea down to cool off.

"The kids seem to be doing alright." Carolyn started.

Meredith groaned inwardly. "Mmhmm. They're really... flexible."

"Meredith…" Her mother-in-law sighed. "They don't know anything about what's going on, or why they're here instead of in Seattle, do they?"

"No, I—" She put her head in her hands. "I don't know what to tell them, or how. How do I tell Zola her father is never coming home? How do you have that kind of conversation with a four-year-old?!"

"Well, is it better to have that conversation with her now, or when she's 14 and wondering why her dad hasn't been around or a part of her life for the past ten years?"

"No, I—ughh. Carolyn, I don't know what to do… Tell me what to do!"

"Well, dear. You can start by telling the truth."

"So, what, when Zola asks me," She started imitating the high pitch of her daughter's voice. "'Mommy, when's Daddy coming home?' I just say, 'Well, Zola, Daddy's dead, so he's never coming home!'"

Carolyn sighed. "No. Would your mother have talked so bluntly to you when you were four?"

Meredith didn't have to think about that at all. "Yes. She probably would have added in an—Oh…"

"Mmhmm. Because your mother was so warm and nurturing and—"

"Yeah. Like a steak-knife." Meredith said bitterly.

Carolyn bit back a laugh. "When Zola asks you when Daddy's coming home, you just tell her the truth, that Daddy's not coming home. Doubtless, she'll have questions, and she'll want to know why, but you just keep telling her the truth. Don't answer more questions than she asks you. But if you want your daughter, and your son for that matter, to come out on the other side of this unscathed, they're going to need you to be honest and open with them about what is happening in their world. They're going to get their answers about this from somewhere, and it's best if they come from you, dear."

Carolyn knew exactly what the other side of that looked like. After Chris's death, Derek and especially Amelia had had a lot of tough questions, the easiest of which being, 'Mommy, why did bad people shoot Daddy?' There had been no easy answers, and Carolyn wasn't sure she had handled that situation with all the grace and dignity she should have. Kathleen and Lizzie had provided a lot of the answers Amelia had needed. While Derek had been a wreck, trying to balance keeping himself together, being the man of the house and being there for Amelia. It had been a hard time for all of them, Carolyn especially. And Nancy—Nancy was always there, picking up the pieces.

"And what about Bailey? He's not even two yet! He doesn't even know what death is. How do you explain death to a two-year-old?!"

"Well, I suppose there's always the classic, Daddy's sleeping?" Carolyn offered up.

"I guess that works if there's a body, but Derek wanted to be cremated. I don't know if there's a non-scarring way to tell my two-year-old that Daddy's sleeping in the urn on the mantle." She laughed at that. Carolyn looked surprised and a little taken aback.

"You're having him cremated?"

"Yeah." Meredith said softly.

"I—Can I come with you when—when you…" She trailed off.

"Of course you can, you're his mother." Meredith took her mother-in-law's hand in her own.

"And you're his wife. Wife sort of trumps mother at his age." Meredith smiled at Carolyn's thoughtfulness.

"I want to do this right. By you, by him, by my kids. I guess that's part of why I'm here, and not in Seattle. I need him right now, more than ever before. And this," Meredith gestured around the living room. "here, where he grew up… This is as good as it gets. I want my kids to know their Dad, and their Gramma and their Aunts and Uncles—"

"And their Great Aunt." Carolyn added proudly.

"Hmmm?" Meredith was confused. Derek had never mentioned his mother having a sister. Maybe she was on his father's side.

"I'm not sure if Derek would have even remembered my sister, Louise. She…. wasn't around a whole lot when the kids were growing up. We're on better terms now—but it's a long story. No sense getting into it now. Now why don't you go outside and play with those kids of yours and I'll make us all some lunch. Is there anything that has made Kathleen particularly nauseous that you know of?" Meredith's eyes went big and wide, and Carolyn chuckled. "Don't worry, dear. I pried it out of her earlier this morning after breakfast. I have enough children and grandchildren that my children should know well enough by now that nothing gets past me for long."

This time, Meredith laughed. "She threw up this morning when the pancakes started burning….and then she almost did again when I made some bacon."

"Well, I don't plan on burning anything in my kitchen. And to be safe, I think I'll just make some sandwiches for lunch. Will that be alright for you and the kids?"

"That sounds delicious, Carolyn. Zola is just like Derek. The more veggies you give her, the happier she is. Bailey, however, he could eat pizza all day every day and be perfectly content."

Carolyn laughed. "I'll keep that in mind. Now go, be with your kids."

They parted ways, and both could hear Zola shriek with laughter as her Aunt helped her soar higher and higher. Carolyn liked to think that if she went high enough, Derek was reaching down from wherever he was and tickling her.

Carolyn busied herself with the lunch preparations. She was midway into slicing a tomato when, for the second time in less than 24 hours, she heard insistent and unexpected knocking coming from the front door. Carolyn swore to herself and set the knife down. As soon as everything settled down a little bit, she really was going to get that peephole installed. This time, though, she had a suspicion as to who it might be. She walked swiftly to the door, unlocked it and inched it open slowly as she stepped back in preparation. When it swung open abruptly, seemingly of its own accord, she knew her hunch had been right. "Nancy!" She greeted.

"Ma." Nancy smiled warmly, but her eyes were red, and her cheeks were flushed and told a different story. She stepped inside to reveal Carolyn's middle child, whose face told the same story as her sisters.

"Elizabeth?" Carolyn hugged them both in turn. "What are the two of you doing here?" She looked pointedly at each child. She'd expected each daughter to make an appearance at her home, but she hadn't expected such an appearance to be this soon or as a united front.

Nancy's smile wavered, and a distinct sadness began to form on her face. It was Lizzie who spoke up, though. "Amelia called me, Ma. She… refused to call you herself and insisted Nancy and I tell you in person. Is she still mad at you?" Carolyn sighed, and waved her hand dismissively, telling her daughter to go on. "Ma, I don't know how to say this, but—" She wrung her hands in front of her, clearly uncomfortable with what needed to be said.

"Derek's dead." Nancy said flatly, her voice devoid of emotion, looking at Carolyn for some sort of emotional reaction. Finding none, she continued. "And you know what else? Meredith's run off. Took the kids with her and ran off to who knows where!"

"Amelia said that word is her mother pulled the same kind of stunt when Meredith was a little older than Zola. Just took her in the night and ran off to Boston. Had a secret kid and everything." Lizzie finished.

Finding no emotional reaction in her mother's face whatsoever, Nancy spoke. "Well, aren't you going to say anything, Ma?"

Carolyn sighed. "I know. I found out last night."

"What?!" Both girls exclaimed.

"Did somebody call you?" Lizzie asked. "Who at the hospital would even have your number? And if you knew last night, why didn't you say anything?! I had to find out while I was at work, and then I had to call Nancy and drive all the way out here, and you're saying you already knew?!"

"I need you both to remain calm," Carolyn started, "But—"

"Oh my god." Nancy said suddenly. "You've GOT to be kidding me!"

Carolyn followed her gaze out the kitchen window and saw Meredith swinging slowly with Bailey firmly positioned on her lap.

"What? What?!" Lizzie stepped further inside then, trying to see what they were all looking at. "Oh my god. She's here? In your house? And you knew about it? Amelia said—"

"She doesn't know." Carolyn interrupted. "And Meredith would like to keep it that way."

"Oh my god." Both women said at the same time.

"That'll go over great." Nancy said sarcastically under her breath. "Because secrets and lies go over reaaal well in this family."

"It's her choice, Nancy." Carolyn said. "As Derek's family, and her family, it's our job now to help support her and what she thinks is best for her kids in any way that we can. And if that means—"

"Lying to Amelia's face when she asks me for the umpteenth time if I've heard from her? Ma, Amelia's going to kill us all when she finds out." Lizzie said.

Carolyn sighed. "I know, dear. I know. I think Meredith just needs some space to sort all of... this, out. She needs—"

"Like you did? Is that why she's here? Are you going to play "nanny" while she 'sorts things out' like you did?" Nancy shot over bitterly. Carolyn looked instantly wounded, and Nancy had the sense to look remorseful.

Lizzie stepped in before World War III could break out. "Did you know she was coming?"

"No. I had no idea." Carolyn admitted. "She just showed up last night on the doorstep and asked if she could stay for a while."

"And she told you about Derek then?" Nancy asked.

"Eventually. I think she wanted to preserve my innocence for a little while."

"That sounds like the Meredith I met when I was in Seattle." Lizzie smiled sadly. "Do you—did she—Do you know how he died? Amelia said she didn't know details, just that he had died out at some Podunk hospital."

"Car accident. He had a brain injury they didn't catch right away. Sounded a lot like malpractice. I think Meredith knew that, too." Carolyn sighed.

Lizzie swallowed a sob, while Nancy laughed wickedly at the irony of the situation. Nancy sobered up after a minute or two, though. "Amelia's going to lose it when she finds out, especially since she wasn't called. She'll spend her life thinking she could have done something for him." Nancy said

"By the time Meredith got there, I don't think there was anything left to be done." Carolyn sad sadly, informing her daughters of what they had probably already filled in for themselves.

"I know that, and you know that. But Amelia won't see it that way." Lizzie said.

"That's what I'm worried about." Carolyn said. "It's better she doesn't know that Meredith and the kids are here. It's not like Amelia ever comes to visit, anyway."

"So what, we're all just supposed to lie to Amelia until Meredith decides she's ready to face her?" Nancy asked.

Carolyn pursed her lips together. "Well… I would NEVER encourage my children to lie…."

"You would rather us just creatively avoid the truth?" Lizzie asked.

"Mmmm… There, now that sounds so much better than the word lying." Carolyn said.

"It's still the same thing, Ma." Nancy said, shaking her head.

"I was just in the middle of making lunch. Are you girls hungry? Have you eaten yet?" Carolyn asked, effectively signaling to her daughter's that the topic was closed for discussion. Both girls shook their heads and Carolyn set to work instructing her daughters through what was left of the lunch preparations. "Nancy, cut the lettuce. Lizzie, cut the onion. Nancy grab the lunchmeat. Lizzie, get the cheese. No, not that drawer, that one."

Kathleen wandered in at one point and wasn't at all shocked by the sudden appearance of her sisters. She, too, was put to work in the kitchen, helping Carolyn to assemble the sandwiches in a fashion with which her mother was satisfied with.

Finally, with the table set, all that was left to do was gather Meredith and the children from outside where they were still playing happily, a real smile on Meredith's face for the first time since breakfast.

"Ma," Kathleen started. "How do you want to play this…? Meredith has no clue that—"

"Well, seeing as Meredith is on great terms with everyone but me," Nancy said, "I vote that Lizzie goes out there and surprises Meredith. They seemed to be on good enough terms after she volunteered to hack herself up so Derek could continue operating." She snorted, thinking about what good that had done in the long run of Derek's now very short-lived career. "She can give her a discreet heads up that McBitchy is here…" Three sets of eyes turned to focus on her with laser-like accuracy. "Oh, I—She and her intern friends had a thing for, well… Mclabelling things. McDreamy, McSteamy, McMama. And I was McBitchy. I may have done my fair share to earn it…. but I'm not too sure Meredith likes me."

Lizzie rolled her eyes and grumbled under her breath, "It's a wonder Mom manages to like you sometimes."

"Elizabeth!" Carolyn gasped, while Nancy cackled hideously.

Catching her breath, Nancy defended her sister. "No, Ma. She's right. I can be a bit much sometimes—Okay, fine. A lot of the time. But clearly Derek saw something in her. And… he's not here anymore, so... Anyway, that whole debacle that went down was ages ago. I—think I may have been wrong." Kathleen and Lizzie made a big show of gasping dramatically. "Oh, shut up." Nancy smiled. "I was wrong, and I'm willing to actually give Meredith a shot this time. Go talk to her, Liz. I just hope she's willing to give me another shot." She wrung her hands out nervously in front of her.

As Liz exited to retrieve Meredith and the kids, Carolyn smiled warmly at her eldest daughter.

"Meredith!" Lizzie called out as she made her way down the steps and onto the grass of the backyard. Two sets of eyes whipped around to see her making her way towards the small family. Meredith's face wore an expression that was a mix of shock, bewilderment and delight. Zola, on the other hand, looked questioningly up at her mother, clearly asking who this woman was. Meredith looked like she was explaining Lizzie's relation to the little girl, and had barely finished when Zola plowed to a stop on the swings, and a dark blur of motion came barreling full speed at her. Zola smacked into her and she picked the little girl up, nestling comfortably in her arms.

"My Mommy says you're my Aunt Lizzie, and that I've met you before, but that I was so little that I don't remember." Zola plopped her thumb firmly in her mouth.

"Your mom is right, Little Miss Zola." She stroked her cheek affectionately, and Zola buried herself deeper into her Aunt.

"You look like my Daddy, and Aunt Amy." Zola attempted to say, but with her thumb still in her mouth it came out more like. "Oo wook wike my Sassy an' Aun' Amy."

"Well, I am your Daddy's sister, and Aunt Amy's sister, too."

Zola retracted her thumb from her mouth. "Are you older than old, too?" A little taken aback, Lizzie just laughed.

"Zola!" Meredith chastised softly, maneuvering herself off the swing, a sleeping Bailey firmly in her arms. "His sleep schedule is all messed up." She said, nodding down at her son, hoping to provide some sort of explanation other than bad parenting. "What are you doing here, Liz?"

"Amelia called." She began, and instantly Meredith's eyes darkened several degrees. "Relax, Meredith. She doesn't know a thing. I didn't even know you were here at Mom's until I got here."

Meredith breathed out a sigh of relief. "I didn't even know I was coming here until I arrived. Gut instinct, I guess." Meredith shrugged. "Is lunch ready? Is that where Kathleen disappeared to? I should have been in there help—"

"You were right where you needed to be, with your children." Lizzie cut her off.

"I thought Kathy was the shrink." Meredith joked.

"Doesn't mean I haven't learned a thing or two from her." Liz smiled.

"Let's get inside." Meredith said. "I am STARVING!"

"Oh, about that." She reached our her arm to stop her sister-in-law. "There's something you should know, Meredith."

Meredith looked at her with wary eyes. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, really. Just…." She lowered her voice so her niece couldn't over-hear. "Nancy's here. We drove up together."

"Oh." Meredith said simply. Her lips tightening.

"Mer… For what it's worth, she's sorry for what went down last time, whatever that means to you. I—She didn't give us a lot of details about how she acted when she came to visit, but Addison… told me Nance wasn't exactly nice to you."

"Oh." Meredith managed, her throat catching slightly. It had been what felt like a zillion years ago, and things had been different between her and Derek, then. Addison and Derek hadn't been resolved yet, and she and Derek hadn't known what direction they were really going in.

She and Derek had talked before about how his visit with Nancy had gone. He seemed to think that she had had a real change of heart. Something about being able to finally get through to her when he explained the reality of the situation. At the time, Meredith had had a very hard time believing that after the way Nancy had treated her. She'd wanted nothing to do with her ever again, and she'd made that clear to Derek. At the time, he'd simply sighed. Now, she knew just how important family was to him. She wished she could tell Derek how she was giving his sister and his family a second chance. But deep in her heart, she knew he was already proud of her.

"Mer? You okay?" Lizzie asked.

Meredith closed her eyes, nodding. She steeled herself with confidence she didn't feel. "Let's go have some lunch." With that, Meredith bravely led the way up the steps and into the wolf den.

* * *

 **Slowly, I'm getting used to fleshing out my characters, and creating personalities and backstories for them. That part has been interesting.**

 **This story is going to be told in intersecting and intertwining prongs. On the one hand, we have Meredith and the Shepherds going on in the present. Then, there's MerDer/McFamily moments we didn't get to see on the show, or moments from the show with added tidbits (those will be few). Third prong will be flashbacks to Carolyn and the Shepherds pre/post Mr. Shepherd's death. **This story is going to kind of look like what it did during** **"She's Leaving Home" Parts 1 & 2, except in reverse, from Meredith's end this time. I want to touch on major and pivotal moments in Meredith's journey without Derek. I'm not going to share or show every minuscule detail of the ride, or this fic would never ever end. It's going to start slow, and then quickly pick up the pace as things begin to flesh out. I do have an endgame in mind and a clear way of when and how I want to end this story, so this isn't some endless gamble in the dark. I see this being around maybe 20-30 chapters, but who knows, that number could quickly grow. I haven't been getting as far each chapter as I've planned, so... there's that. It could be quite long, but I'm up for a good journey :)****

 ** **There's also a fourth prong that will be introduced in future chapters, but that's a surprise for now!****

 ** **Will try to update sooner next go around. Thanks for all your love and support :)****


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